


When Satan Rejects Entry to Hell

by archangelwithashotgun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Birthday Present, Crack, Gen, Just complete and total crack, Language, Nursing School, Soul Selling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archangelwithashotgun/pseuds/archangelwithashotgun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a conversation in which my best friend sold her soul to Satan way too many times to be safe during the course of honors nursing school. I tried to follow her lead, but my momma wouldn’t let me. </p>
<p>Birthday present for said best friend! Love you Lauren!!</p>
<p>WARNING: Severe (putting this mildly) crack!fic written by two idjits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Satan Rejects Entry to Hell

Lauren was trudging through the halls of the second floor N-Wing, her feet dragging on the tile ground and her back bag an insufferable weight on her heavy shoulders. Consciousness was the demon she fought, nearly knocking her down the flight of stairs she carelessly approached as she made her made her way to the Honors Lounge. Honestly, there was a moment during the second she floundered to reobtain her balance in which she just thought, _Fuck it. I should just chuck myself down the flight of stairs to avoid the health assessment exam tomorrow_.

But she remembered quickly that her laptop was in her bag, and her arm surged forward to steady herself. Damn her dependency on technology.

Lauren sighed as she marched down the remaining steps of the staircase and shoved open the door on the landing. Or more like fell into it and using her dead weight to open it, but regardless.

Passing the threshold, Lauren shoved open the door to her immediate right and crashed into the Honors Lounge. Thankfully, the lights were off and it was empty of all other students.

“Oh, thank God,” she muttered to herself, eyes closing briefly as she took in the prospect of peaceful solitude. It lasted only a moment before she reopened her tired eyes at half-mast, shrugging off her back bag and coat and tossing them lightly on the chair next to the door. She made a beeline for the couch, and snatched up two of the wilted throw pillows. Situating herself on the temporary bed, she collapsed on the couch and slid the two pillows underneath her head, and she settled in for a short nap.

“Nursing school giving you hell, huh?”

Groaning in disdain, Lauren grabbed one of the pillows underneath her head and flung it in the direction of the unwanted voice without opening her eyes. She ignored the scandalized gasp as she burrowed her face into the second pillow.

“Fuck off, Satan,” she growled lowly.

“Jeez, was it the bad pun?” the voice said. “Didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s not nice to chuck things at supernatural entities, especially those in control of your soul?”

Oh, for fuck’s sake, she was only _kidding_ about the Satan comment.

She worked past the heavy weight of her eyelids and opened her eyes. She immediately caught sight of an older blonde man sitting at one of the chairs, tilted back until it was only resting on the back legs. His feet were propped up on one of the computer tables and his hands were linked behind his head. He wasn’t wearing anything special, just jeans and a gray undershirt with a flannel thrown over it, but his raised arms lifted the hem of his shirt slightly, unveiling a firm stomach with a dark blond happy-trail leading down the waistband of his pants. He quirked a brow at Lauren, seemingly indifferent, but there was curiosity hidden in his pale blue eyes.

Dear. God. If this was her escort to Hell, sign her the _fuck up._

“Two points,” the man said, removing one of his hands from behind his head to flash a peace sign at her. “One, thanking God that Satan was appealing to you is kinda… conflicting. Pick a damn side. Two, you were already signed up, darlin’. You know that you offered your soul to me pretty much _every day_ this semester _alone_?”

Lauren frowned. “… You’re actually Lucifer.”

“Yup.”

“And _that’s_ why I’ve been getting good grades this year?!”

“Well it certainly wasn’t because of your mediocre studying due to obstacles like work and a severe case of procrastination,” Lucifer responded, absently examining the nails on his right hand. “Bargaining your soul for a decent grade in pathophysiology seemed like a good trade to you, huh?”

“… Well, yeah.”

“The normal bargain is ten years per deal, and you’ve struck up more than 200,” Lucifer said, his voice resonated in something skin to pride. “That, sweetheart, significantly lowers the life expectancy when you make a deal.”

“Does it really count when I had no idea I was striking a legitimate deal?” Lauren asked.

“Deal’s a deal, and leniency isn’t really something I offer,” Lucifer shrugged. “Regardless, that’s not why I’m here.”

Lucifer removed his feet from the computer desk and placed them back onto the floor, also lowering his arms from behind his head, his weight causing the tilted chair to fall forward back into its proper position. Lucifer slouched forward, elbows on his knees, brow raised expectantly.

Having a slight grasp as to what was happening, Lauren rolled her eyes before she closed them, raising her hand in a dismissive wave. “Go ahead.”

“What?”

“I’m ready,” she muttered sleepily. “Do the thing. Just let me sleep.”

“I’m not taking you to Hell, Lauren.”

Lauren opened an eye, the thin film of sleep blurring the Devil in her vision. “Excuse me?”

“When one makes as many deals as you did, it implies a certain… desperation,” Lucifer said, a smirk spreading slowly across his face. “It tells us that your Hell on Earth is actually worse than the Hell I’d be taking you to.”

“Don’t tell me you’re going to leave me here,” Lauren nearly growled.

Lucifer shrugged once more. “Between Hell and nursing, you’re actually embracing Hell willingly. Sorry, sweetheart. Can’t have someone who enjoys it down there.”

“Oh, come _on_ ,” Lauren whined.

But Lucifer wasn’t paying attention to her anymore; the Devil was glancing upwards, head cocked slightly to the side as his brows furrowed. Then he smiled, turning back to Lauren.

“I think your friend just got out of work,” Lucifer said, standing up, hand poised to snap. “Enjoy your hell, Lauren.”

And with a snap echoing through the darkened Honors Lounge, Lucifer was gone. Within the next moment, the door opened and a brunette walked in, instantly heaving a book bag that was stuffed to the brim with school materials and a laptop pouch off her shoulders, placing them gently on the floor with a huff.

“Long day?” Gisselle asked, wincing as she rubbing the tension from her neck.

Lauren just groaned and slammed her face into the pillow.


End file.
